Saturday, 26 October 2013

Not today

Before I go and visit my parents I take off all my nail polish. If they're going to stop by my house I hide all my skirts. I hate this arrangement. I feel like a liar. I so badly want them to know me as the person I am, not the one I pretend to be. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how and when I will make that happen.

Later today I and my brother and sister-in-law are all going over to mom and dad's for a belated Thanksgiving dinner. (Thanksgiving was two weeks ago, but we postponed it 'cause my dad was out of town). I had been thinking that, in many ways, today would be the perfect day to come out to them. And then something very sad happened.

A few days ago my mom's brother died of cancer.

She's apparently taking it pretty well: it's something we all knew was coming for a while. But still, I feel it would be very selfish of me to burden her with my silly gender issues at a time like this. She needs time and space to process his passing: it'd be unfair to give her something else to process on top of that.

So, I will not be coming out today.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Maybe next time?

There's a transgender support group that meets once a month at my town's Pride Centre. I've been aware of it for a long time now and I keep telling myself I should go. Yesterday was the day I was finally going to do it.

I decided to not crossdress. Partly because I didn't have time to do it properly; partly because I'm not out to most of my roommates, (though I know they're beginning to suspect something), and I wasn't sure how to get from my room to my car and back without getting "caught." But mostly it was because I've never interacted with anyone as a girl before: I figured I'd be nervous enough without adding that to the mix. Still, I couldn't bear the thought of going in full boy mode, so I opted for androgyny: girl jeans, flats, light makeup and my already painted nails.

When I got there I had to park pretty far away. I was feeling nervous to begin with, and that feeling only grew with each step of the walk over. I'm always fairly nervous when it comes to meeting new people. In this case though, it was compounded by the newness of the situation: I'd never been to any kind of support group, never been to the Pride Centre, never told a stranger about my gender. I kept over-thinking stupid, unimportant things, like: should I introduce myself with my boy name, my girl name or both? As if that were a big deal. By the time I was nearing the door I'd made the situation much more terrifying than it needed to be.

Did I take a deep breath, open the door and walk in to face my fears? No. I slowed down a bit, I tried to look inside, but I kept on walking.

I thought about orbiting the whole block and seeing if I fared any better on a second approach, but by then the meeting would already have started and entering late would have been even worse. So I simply walked back to my car and drove home. It was pretty disappointing.

But you know what? Now I've got something else to look forward to instead— the next meeting's only a month away!! :)

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Purple! ♥

Way back in this post I mentioned I was thinking of dyeing my dreads. Well, guess what I finally got around to doing last weekend?
It came out a bit darker than I wanted, but overall I'm pretty happy with it.

When I started crossdressing I wondered whether dreadlocks would be feminine enough. I considered cutting them off and using a wig until my hair grew long again. Then I learned of the beautiful and talented film director Lana Wachowski— and watched this— and realized a trans woman can actually look great with dreadlocks! And so far that knowledge has kept my scissors at bay. Well, that and the fear that having short hair would seriously aggravate my gender stress.

It's funny: I often forget I have an unconventional appearance. Sometimes I'll be out walking somewhere and wondering, "Why does every one keep looking at me? Do I have something on my face or what?" Nope, I just look different, that's all.
Different and beautiful! At least that's what I tell myself...
Today was a very different day than yesterday. Yesterday I was as depressed as I've ever been about my gender. I managed to go to my classes but otherwise pretty much spent the day in bed. Today however, I set aside time to get all pretty, (and took the photos you see here), and I feel so much better having done so. It was the first time I'd fully crossdressed in over a month. I guess expressing my gender makes me happy!

Thursday, 10 October 2013

A quick feminist rage post

Apologies in advance. I probably shouldn't be rage-posting on this blog, but... I'm going to anyways.

So, there's this online crossdressing forum that I'm registered on. I don't visit there very often, but every now and then I'll pop in and see what's going on, read a few threads, leave some comments, that sort of thing.

Today a lady had posted saying she was going on her first date with a man, and her first date as a woman, and was asking for advice. (She added that she'd never been into men before but had a crush on this one and was through with trying to categorize her sexuality: a good attitude to have, I think). As you can imagine there was lots of excitement, thoughts on what to wear, what style of wig to go with, tips on staying safe... all the typical stuff you'd expect from a gaggle of crossdressers.

Several people, however, said things like "let him do most of the talking," and "make sure he pays the bill." Someone actually said "be passive; don't talk, listen."

Cue feminist rage moment.

Seriously? Be passive? Don't talk? What kind of 1950s bullcrap sexism is that? You would think crossdressers, whose very existence challenges binary gender norms, would be the last people in the world to appeal to and reinforce the traditional male\female roles. Gender binarism is precisely the reason why so many of us are forced into the closet, why so many of us can't be ourselves around our friends and families, and why so many of us can't dress the way we want to on a day-to-day basis. It's also part of the reason why trans people in general are stigmatized, mocked, and occasionally killed. And yet here we are, propping up that system ourselves. Way to go, gals.

I was a tad nettled.
"Don't talk, sweetheart. Every man loves a woman with no personality!"
Of course, if she wants to be passive and listen, that's fine. If she wants to clean his house and do his laundry afterward, that's fine too, I don't care. What bothered me is that people were recommending passivity solely because she's going to be a woman on a date with a man.

Anyways, I didn't comment there because I'm not a regular and didn't want to take the thread off topic. But typing this out here has felt good.

That is all :)

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

I'm not really a "boy" anymore

It hasn't yet been three months since I started this blog, but I've come to feel differently about my gender in that short amount of time.

In my introductory post I referred to myself as a tomgirl, which I defined as "a boy that likes girly things." At the time I sincerely hoped that I could be comfortable as a male so long as I got to twirl about in a skirt every now and then. But now, more and more, I'm beginning to recognize that this is probably not the case. Identifying myself as a boy, even a "boy that likes girly things," just doesn't feel right to me anymore.

At the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not a girl either. At least, not fully. Or if I am, I'm not ready to face it yet. So I've started thinking of myself as "non-binary, tending toward female." That's a lot more complicated, and takes a lot longer to say, than just "boy" or "girl," but no one ever said gender was simple, right?

(Well, actually people say that all the time, but... they don't know what they're talking about!)

The blog's subtitle still reads "the diary of a tomgirl." I may change that at some point, though I'm pretty sure "the diary of a non-binary person who tends toward female" would only compound the awkwardness of the blog's already impossible name! We'll see what I come up with...